


Black Space for Many Dreams

by Missy_dee811



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Community: cap_ironman, Confessions, Flashbacks, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Memories, Monologue, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Civil War II (Marvel), Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 06:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15164765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811
Summary: The search for Tony is on. Finding him in an abandoned warehouse, Steve wonders if he should say the things that are on his mind.[Written for Stony Loves Steve 2018.]





	Black Space for Many Dreams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [erde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/erde/gifts).



> El futuro es espacio,  
> espacio color de tierra,  
> color de nube,  
> color de agua, de aire,  
> espacio negro para muchos sueños,  
> espacio blanco para toda la nieve,  
> para toda la música.
> 
> Atrás quedó el amor desesperado  
> que no tenía sitio para un beso,  
> hay lugar para todos en el bosque,  
> en la calle, en la casa,  
> hay sitio subterráneo y submarino,  
> qué placer es hallar por fin,  
> subiendo  
> un planeta vacío,  
> grandes estrellas claras como el vodka  
> tan transparentes y deshabitadas,  
> y allí llegar con el primer teléfono  
> para que hablen más tarde tantos hombres  
> de sus enfermedades.
> 
> Lo importante es apenas divisarse,  
> gritar desde una dura cordillera  
> y ver en la otra punta  
> los pies de una mujer recién llegada.
> 
> Adelante, salgamos  
> del río sofocante  
> en que con otros peces navegamos  
> desde el alba a la noche migratoria  
> y ahora en este espacio descubierto  
> volemos a la pura soledad.  
> – Pablo Neruda
> 
> “Where there is no passage of time there is also no moment of time, in the full and most essential meaning of the word. If taken outside its relationship to past and future, the present loses its integrity, breaks down into isolated phenomena and objects, making of them a mere abstract conglomeration.” – Mikhail Bakhtin

_Every Avenger in the world is searching for him,_ on my orders _._

_Some days, I can’t understand why they would still take my orders, why they would still listen to a word I had to say. And yet, on other days, such as today, I’m grateful for that fact._

_I’m grateful for them. The team. The Avengers. They still believe – be it in me, or this team, or our mission – but they still believe, even after everything, or perhaps, because of everything._

Hope _. Hope was all they had._

_When all seemed lost, when all else had failed, he still had hope._

He’s my hope and I need him back.

 _He was always going to be lightyears ahead of us, ahead of_ me _. I had always known that. I woke up in the future and he was there, in his gleaming suit of armor._

A knight, clad in red and gold.

_I was envious of his ability to foresee things, of his ability to sway the variables to work in his favor. Some days, that frustrated me, beyond belief._

_I was envious._

_Since then, I’ve learned. Those gifts are always double-edged swords. There’s always a cost to bear. I didn’t know._ No, I didn’t realize, but I should’ve known.

 _On other days, I’d come to rely on that. It wasn’t just his intelligence, it was his ingenuity. It was his strongest asset. Never had a man epitomized_ when there’s a will, there’s a way _as he had always done._

 _I couldn’t ask for more than that… I couldn’t ask for more than they were willing to give – more than_ he _was willing to give._

_I couldn’t and yet, I had. Time and time again, I had asked the team, and I had asked him for more than he could spare. He would always spare me, even if I didn’t see it that way._

_When tasked with a choice of saving me or himself, he would always choose me. I hated him for it, sometimes. I did._

_I asked for his time, his companionship, his friendship, his advice. I asked for his presence in my life, on the team._

_He never said,_ ‘No, Steve.’

 _He never said,_ ‘No, I can’t do this anymore.’

 _He never said,_ ‘No, I can’t do what you’ve asked.’

 _He never said,_ ‘No, I can’t give more of myself to you than I already have.’

Is that what I wanted? What I couldn’t have?

Was that the appeal? _He wasn’t mine, but I desperately wanted him to be, but I never asked. Maybe he knew, maybe he felt the same way too, but something held him back._

 

He was kneeling beside Tony. He was breathing, he could see the rise and fall of his chest. He had known about this warehouse, though he had never been here. It was one of many like it. Tony had had more, but had purged his warehouses when Osborn had been hunting him down.

Though he had reclaimed a few and bought some others, he didn’t have as many as he once did. Perhaps, he didn’t need as many. Perhaps, the other ones he had acquired were larger, and so he compensated for the loss of the other, smaller ones.

Steve couldn’t know and Tony wasn’t awake yet. He couldn’t ask.

Of all the things he could ask, he wouldn’t bother with that.

He sat beside him, on the ground, and let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He felt tense, wound up. He wasn’t sure what spurred him, but once he started speaking, he couldn’t stop. The words kept falling and he didn’t hold back. He had kept to himself so many things for so long, he didn’t want to hide them anymore. They weren’t doing him any favors that way.

 

“Believe it or not, I had been looking forward to this, Tony,” he said, staring into the distance.

“I had been waiting for the war to end – there was always a war, but there would always be an end, and at the end, you would be there, right by my side.

“I had thought that… I had thought that, and I had been wrong before, and you had called me a sore loser. You don’t remember that, but I do.” He paused and looked down at Tony.

He wanted to reach for him, wanted to touch him, wanted to soothe his pain. It would be too much, he knew. Tony didn’t know he was here, and though he hadn’t known Tony would be here, he hadn’t been surprised.

Tony never strayed too far from home. As if he were moth, New York called to him. He never strayed too far from its lights.

The mansion, the Tower, it didn’t matter… Manhattan was their home, _his_ home. 

“When we finally had a chance to talk, you were apologetic. I accepted your apology because I wanted it, but I should’ve offered you mine.”

 

_“I know it’s not enough, but I hope you will allow me the chance to earn your friendship back. I don’t deserve it… I just hope you let me. I’m not half as good at – at anything as I am when I’m doing it next to you. And that’s the truth.”_

_I reached for you, put my hand on your shoulder, and pulled you into an embrace._

_I should’ve said something, but I didn’t._

_I didn’t know how._

_I just wanted things to be as they were._

“I didn’t though. I was selfish, but you… you have been so generous. You gave me somewhere to belong.”

He watched Tony’s breaths come and go. He watched his nascent body. Not long ago, the other him – the one that had usurped control – had sat beside Tony, and watched him heal.

“When I first told you these words, you were no shape to hear them. And maybe, that’s why he did it, that’s why he waited until then. He had had his chance – earlier, before – but he didn’t take it. Didn’t seize the moment.”

Steve ran his hand through his cropped hair. He was still much too tense. Speaking about that other him gnawed at him, ate away at his composure. He could never rid himself of him.

“Not that I would’ve wanted that… I wouldn’t have wanted you to let him in, the way I wished… the way I wish you had let me in. The way I wish you would now. But that could be the story of us: a long string of moments passed, of opportunities squandered.

“I’m so sorry this had to happen to you, Tony” he said. The tears came then and he didn’t try to hold them back. He didn’t try to stop himself from crying. He didn’t know if they were tears of sadness, if they were tears of regret, or if they were tears of anguish.

When he spoke again, he hardly recognized his voice, rough and raw. “Tony… Why didn’t you reach out to us? Why didn’t you reach out to _me_?”

He sighed. He knew, knew the answer. He knew the other him would’ve taken advantage of that – of Tony’s implicit trust – more so than he already had.

“I know, I know… this is the kind of man you are, this is the kind of thing you do. You close yourself off to others, always thinking they’d be better off without you, but I am not. I am not better off without you. You gave me a home, Tony, and that has always been true.

“You’re going to fix yourself – because that’s the kind of thing you do, it’s the kind of thing you’ve always done. You reinvent the rules. You change the paradigms. Answer to no one, not even in death.

“You once told me the only way to stop you would be to kill you. You hadn’t thought I would. I’m jealous of that sometimes, you know. You have more faith in me than I have in myself these days.”

_You asked me to wield the gauntlet, you trusted that I could._

_“Then do it! Send it back!”_

_I couldn’t._

 

“And you have had more faith in me than I have had in you.”

_I said I remembered, and you stood there, defiant. You told me I had been the first to break and I hadn’t wanted to believe you, I hadn’t wanted to believe it could be true, but I’m not above reproach. I never was._

_I hunted you down, cornered you in your armor._

_I’ll never forgive you for what happened. I couldn’t care less about the others, but knowing you were complicit… I couldn’t see past that. I’ve tried._

_I still can’t, though I’m trying._

 

“I know you’ve always felt like you struggled to inspire people, but that’s not true… you’ve inspired me. You’ve only ever been limited by yourself, and you’ve never seen any ceiling at all. Watching you fly, watching you soar… has always been a joy. And I have had the immense pleasure of being by your side, of being in the sky with you.”

_“Be safe, Steve. Win.”_

_Carol had turned and smiled. “You know, he loves you,” she had said._

_I had nodded but I hadn’t said anything else. After a while, I said, “I know.” There wasn’t anything else to add, and I wouldn’t have… even if there had been._

 

“He knew every single thought… every thought I ever had about you. He knew I loved you. I loved you and I admired you, even when we fought.”

_“I’m going to beat you bloody.”_

 

“And I never told you.”

_Would that have changed anything? Perhaps, but possibly, not enough._

_Though, he would always oblige. When it came to me, he would always oblige._

“They didn’t have sesame.”

_And I knew. No, not always, but long enough. Long enough to think it over and over, to let it fester as bitterness and resentment._

“We are surrounded by total chaos – I mean, an all-encompassing disaster of biblical proportions… and all I can think of is him.”

_It feels selfish to want him to remember, to remember everything that has come to pass. It feels selfish to want him to remember the things he’s purposefully forgotten, to remember the things that no longer matter, to remember the things I said to him when I wasn’t myself._

 

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” he said, overlooking the buildings below. Night was slowly settling over the city.

“I think I do.”

“Yeah, you would,” replied Tony.

He had turned to face him, watching him overlook their surroundings. They had had so many rooftop conversations. In a loud and crowded city, the only way to find solace was to rise, above the treetops and the other rooftops. Sometimes, they flew, but it was harder to talk in the air.

Tony had sighed, and said to him then, “And I bet I’m in just the emotional state to give you a surprisingly honest answer.”

He had taken advantage of that vulnerability, and had asked, “Why now?”

 

_It feels selfish and perhaps it is, asking him to bear a load that isn’t his._

“Bad dreams?”

“Something like that.”

_Not that he hasn’t before, and not that I haven’t asked, because I have. I have asked so much of him, and I have been harder on him than some of our teammates, but this feels different._

_Perhaps, it was all too much for him. He couldn’t cope anymore. His body couldn’t handle the stress and the changes he had made to his physiology, and they had proven to be a hindrance._

No _, he corrected himself._ No, that’s not true, Rogers. If it weren’t for whatever he had done, he wouldn’t be alive.

_Carol commands energy itself. He wouldn’t have survived that fall, even if Spider-Man had caught him then too._

_I hadn’t made it easier – or at least, he hadn’t. He was a perversion of all my aspirations, and he had manipulated Tony into thinking he was succumbing to his demons._

_Now I see, in ways I couldn’t have seen before, why he was also so closed off, why he was always so guarded. I had thought… Naively, I had thought there were no secrets, there were no lies, but there always were._

He hadn’t felt Tony move, he hadn’t noticed the change in his breathing, he had been so caught up in his own thoughts, so caught up in his feelings. It was only when Tony splayed his palm on his thigh that he looked up, from where he had been staring at his hands. Tony’s eyes were blotchy and red. He, too, was crying.

“Please,” he said, in a broken whisper.

“Please tell me you’re real. I can’t… I can’t handle anything else.”

Tony didn’t have to add, he heard the unspoken, _‘Lie to me if you must.’_

“I’m real,” he said.

He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him close. Tony nestled his head in the crook between his neck and shoulders. _He_ was real and warm and here. It was a relief. It was what he needed, but he couldn’t… Couldn’t bring himself to say what he wanted Tony to hear.

They cried in silence for some time.

Steve didn’t know how to speak to him. After some time, Tony pulled away. Looking down, he said, “You don’t have to say anything.”

“But I want to,” replied Steve, reaching for him. He stopped, letting Tony turn to the side.

“Say it. Say whatever’s on your mind. I’ve heard worse, from you, and from a hallucination.”

“I’m not a hallucination.”

Tony nodded. “You said that.”

“It’s true, Tony. I missed you.” At that, Tony smiled softly, but didn’t comment.

“I missed you and I was worried I’d never see you again and I… Tony,” he paused.

“It’s too soon for that,” said Tony. “It’s too soon.”

“Later?”

He moved to stand, bringing Tony to his feet. “Can you stand?”

Tony nodded. He was leaning against Steve, resting his weight on him, but Steve didn’t care. This could’ve been after a mission. He ran his hands up Tony’s back, along his spine, and Tony melted into the touch.

_Hadn’t he noticed this? Hadn’t he noticed how much Tony craved his touch?_

“Should I call the team? Should I call your mother?”

“I didn’t think the team would be looking for me,” said Tony, though he smiled. It was another quiet smile, soft and reserved. “You should probably tell my mother though, as weird as that sounds.”

“It doesn’t sound weird. I had intended to tell her… I had intended to ask,” said Steve. He lowered his voice. Tony pulled away, his eyes wide and knowing.

“Later,” he added, smiling. A true smile.

Steve let himself smile, too, cupping his cheek. “It’s been… a long time since you’ve been without facial hair.”

“Oh God, don’t remind me,” said Tony, pulling away and laughing.

 _In due time_ , he told himself.  _In due time._

**Author's Note:**

> Steve has returned from his cross-country trek. 
> 
> Though the newest Avengers team hasn't formed, anyone and everyone who had ever been an Avenger would answer Steve's call, and would join in the search for Tony. 
> 
> Tony's birth mother, as revealed in International Iron Man, is Amanda Armstrong. She, MJ, FRIDAY, and Riri Williams have been looking for Tony. 
> 
> You can reblog this on [Tumblr](http://viudanegraaa.tumblr.com/post/176200482986/black-space-for-many-dreams-missydee811).
> 
> Some dialogue is borrowed from Civil War II: The Oath (2017) #1. Diverges from canon at Invincible Iron Man (2016) #598.


End file.
